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  • Jamila Thomson (they/them)

Sample: That mermaid deserved to get slapped

Below is an email I drafted as part of a nurturing sequence for a queer, witchy bath product company.

Ever want to slap a mermaid?  Studies show that the number one cause of mermaid slappery is angry people who give a shit finding out that said mermaid is wearing non compostable glitter.

Is that ironic or just fucked up?  Tragically, it’s not uncommon to see cosplayers and weekend warriors shedding microplastics that slip through water filtration systems and end up collecting in the ocean.

Garbage Island, anyone?

The plot thickens as cosmetic testing reveals that the majority of “eco glitters” are still mostly comprised of microplastics.  That means that while these polymers are considered biodegradable, they only break down when exposed to extreme heat and pressure for an extended period of time... if every sparkle fleck could make its way to an industrial compost facility rather than getting washed down the drain, that’d be greaaaaat.

As a fierce steward of the Earth, Cerulean Serpent is proud to source our shparkles exclusively from Bioglitter[button]. This is the only glitter on the market that meets the rigid standards of TÜV’s OK Biodegradable WATER certification.  Read: it breaks down in water.

If you want to know for certain that your cosmetic glitter isn’t poisoning real ass mermaids, treat yourself to my boutique[button].  

We’ll have our cake and eat it too.  And convert some sparkle ponies along the way.

Merry meet again,


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